Anyway this will sound very general and vague but have you ever felt like you were making a series of decisions that your heart wasn't really into, but you just need to make these decisions and move forward, otherwise you will slowly dissolve into a hideous lump of jelly with no coherent desire to live life? Mmm yes that's how I'm feeling. Maybe it's because I've been needing to recoop from surgery, rendering me fat and lazy like, lying on the couch for most of the day (due to resting from surgery) but as I reflect on the topsy turviness that has been the horrid absolutely horrid month of May and this June, the biggest word that keeps up popping in my mind is WHY? Certainly, I try to push away this question by watching despicable crap on MTV, or doing cool stuff like making origami box string lights and sewing satchets and stuff, but I don't know. The whole month of May was a downer because I felt like I was making choices that weren't accurately reflecting my desires. Doesn't it make sense that people make choices because they want them? Doesn't God work through our making choices we actually freaking... LIKE? (Well I am sure in some instances a choice is made not out of desire but of necessity or obligation). But maybe that is just it. I made a choice out of obligation. Said choices that remain ambiguous to me are 1) my school type, though after realizing that the act of creating things makes me so darn happy and I want to help people tangibly, dentistry may be the route after all but more importantly 2) school chosen. Oh why oh why in arse's name did I pick USC (esp now that I'm finding out that the school is deepload in crap for their accredidation visit)? Well, because I let myself be pressured into it. I didn't listen to myself. I know I know, grass is always greener on the other side and had I picked NYU I'm sure there would be other things that I would be complaining about. But it does certainly suck to ditch a dream that I constructed over two years ago, only within a few months to deconstruct it with my own bare hands. Said dream being SUNY optometry. And living in NY with my best friend for two good years. But perhaps who knows? Maybe after a couples years at USC i'll be glad, but I'm sure you all know I wanted to go to New York badly, very badly. And maybe sadly that was all I wanted. NYU is sounding good right even though I know school will be hard. Well, from this experience I've learned a couple of things that I hope will help ppl with making decisions which are pretty obvious ( and here I shall quote Shakespeare's Hamlet) 1) "To thine ownself be true" and 2) when making a decision I am NOT going to let parental pressures weigh me down (e.g. i'm not going to listen to them) AND don't listen to non trust worthy people (e.g. random classmates) who will spread rumors about schools. It sounds kind of petulant but I truly believe I have to live my own life. All's I know is right now I feel like saying "take it back, take it back!" in regards to all that happend within me internally this past May and June, and also lastly wish to complain less. And to worry less. Making choices is hard. | 
